Mujhse Dosti Karoge?

This is a guest post by Z,my beautiful and ravishing soul sister.Her blog blips at ZRadar.This post is about women friendships and I am sure that upon reading this,every women will sink in the flood of memories.The post did bring back a lot of beautiful,painful and regretful moments which I had buried deep inside me.Read it for yourself.Love you Zeeeeee
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Being part of a semi orthodox Muslim family the values that were indoctrinated asked me to adhere to the girl am born as. But the environment demanded different. Be it cousins, neighbours, family friends – Boys outnumbered girls… So before joining preschool, I grew comfortable in the company of boys simply because girls couldn’t be found. The ones found would either not talk or corporate.

Blessed with a pleasing nature and a homely face, making friends was never difficult. At school I found girls and boys whom I could gel with. I should have been comfortable with boys but, what my family taught was slightly contradicting to it.

An article says, “What we really want is for female-people to retain a profound sense of insecurity in all their friendships at all times, so that they might never be confident and self-determined“. And as expected, I grew up to a confused person who didn’t know what to share with whom, whom to talk to and with a lot other child problems. I could talk baseless for hours but sharing a personal issue was difficult. Result? I had girl friends with whom I chose to be strong. They would confide things to me but I wouldn’t. But, with boys, parents have already taught to be careful with. I chose to stay boyish. The kind who they would share their feelings about other girls and their own family, the kind they would find easy-going but would never propose. People liked me for my flexibility, but I dint really know who I liked better.

In short, I grew up stuffing majority of my personal matters inside, totally insecure, until 12 years back when I found the most unpopular girl of our class being cornered and helpless. There was another girl who wanted to help her, so I joined along. The whole class disliked the idea, but we thought a girl wouldn’t survive for two more years of Engineering, in a class that showed a frozen face to her. We became like the trio of the movie Dil Chahta Hai. For the first time, the very first time, I met two girls who are assertive and feared none. And so for the first time, I learned to do so. For me, they were somebody to share my feelings, to pour down my thoughts without any inhibition and, most importantly, to be MYSELF. We devised crazy plots, played pranks, enjoyed movies, shared infatuations and found pleasure in everything that we did. We were the evil crew – Partners in crime. Their opponents were my mine too and we did target them well. I wouldn’t really mention everything that we did for the fear that my children may reading this in the future 😉 But we did a lot of things that girls of our age might have not even thought of. Boozing or pubs or sex is definitely not what I meant but, we did many other crazy things. The fun we had during combine studies can never be forgotten. As exams yielded good results, parents never doubted the combine study sessions 😉 My favourite part of this relationship was the immense support we each other and the confidence that evolved out of it to what we are. 

The relation began with a good intention, and was expected to last long. The one for whom the relation began, unfortunately ended it and ended in the cheapest way it could be – bringing others down in competition for male attention. Pure betrayal!! We couldn’t stand each other’s sight anymore. There were futile trials later to fix it, but we walked away from college in the hope that time would sort things out. That time never came. We could have, all of us could have, anyone of us could have attempted to bring back our times. 10 years!!We do not hate each other anymore. We are in touch – the typical Facebook “hi, hello” type. All the love we had for each other abruptly transposed into a severe dislike of the same volume and BANG!!

I don’t like to make sweeping assumptions, but have observed that women generally (including me) are not able to control emotions – words or tears – when upset. So most of them would either not share their feelings for the fear of creating a scene or creating so much tension in the air. When you do this the other side may not stay composed, but instead blame you and start recollecting those minute incidents which you had disliked once upon a time, pour it on you, creating an even worse situation. Finally all that you remember will be how much you hate each other.

But ask me. I would still recollect those two years as the fondest memories of life. We never made up. I do not regret. They are not my favourites anymore, but certain matters that I learned from our friendship are still valued. They were not meant to be a part of my future and so…

…And just because I couldn’t make up with both, doesn’t mean I never had girlfriends after that. Today, I have a lot of them with whom I have fought, made up,respected.Just that I am careful enough to make sure things wouldn’t go to extreme, only because I learnt that saying sorry is not a big deal and can heal a lot of angry minds.

When Bhavia asked me to write about women friendships, I had no clue how to start with. Now, I don’t know how to stop it. Differences? Yes, definitely yes.

–      Girls prefer to sit around and talk / walk and talk / drive and talk. More inclined to sharing feelings and personally connecting with each other. Guys try to go for a cricket when together and connect themselves.

–      Guys can make fun of each other for a whole day and still be cheerful, can take a lot things with a lighter heart. A friend passed out of college 4 yrs after we did 😉 and mentioned that he doesn’t have more certificates than any of us. It has been ten years. People still make fun of him right on his face and he enjoys it. Had there been a girl in the situation, nobody would even dared to mention about that and would have only tried to help her emotionally balance the situation.

–      Women would favour to stay with friends who need them and would expect the same back. They take privilege to say that they are needed and have time for friends. Men choose to be with people who have common interests – driving, cricket, video games, boozing and try to avoid people who would interfere in their normal routine. They would be happy to say that they have freedom in friendship.

–      Women can hold love and grudge more than men do (like we did and so many I know of). Men (in friendships. May not be with wife or girlfriends) tend to forget a lot of things that they take fights lightly and wouldn’t mind accepting faults. A boy who later turned to be the best of my friends, taught to carry a lighter heart and to keep ego aside for friends to stay beside. There were times when he would slap his friends or get slapped, but they would value the relationship more than what had happened two minutes ago.

–      Women can talk and find happiness in simple things of life. I think men will get bored soon unless there is a tablet or Xbox

–      Women try to put themselves in others shoes, give importance to a friend’s problem and treat as though it is theirs’ (only as long as they are not involved in the same problem and as long as they are not in danger). Men would ask you let it go off for the better, but if you aren’t ready then they can go to any extreme – even to kill. Read it here.

–      When women make up after a fight, they try to bring all that was the cause of the fight, talk it off. Tears, tension and finally a hug. Men just hug. Years later when I met an old boy friend with whom there was a clash, he just hugged and mentioned how thrilled he was to meet me. From then, we have been in constant touch, there was never a mention of what happened before and why, but the air is clear and I am glad he is my friend.

–      Intimacy drives women friendships and activities help men…. (Not always true)…

–      Disloyal ones are rejected by both men and women.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t generalise friendships based on gender. Every relation women-women, women-men or men-men begins with passion and may end (god forbid not) for trivial reasons. I respect friendship a lot though am touch with only a handful.

What makes a relation last is the willingness to see each other as individuals: You do not write off somebody just because they did something that you do not like. It is when they continuously hurt you, ditch you and bitch about you that finally you decide to leave them for once and for all. So the only people who can accept me the way I am, will stay close to me and if only I succeed in doing the same, can I stay close to them.

Related Read :

Seasons of Friendship

A True Friend Stabs you in the Front 

Is Hating Somebody a Bad Thing?

Women’s Day Conundrums

We introduce celebration of days with themes either when the theme is endangered to existence or when the theme is neglected.Rarely people think about this stark truth during the hype and celebration of Women’s Day.Otherwise we would have NOT celebrated March 8th as Women’s Day and January 24th as National Girl Child Day;we would have not had forums and NGOs fighting for women and we would have not fell into a pathetic stage of having sex ratio of 940 women per 1000 males.Every year when we supposedly celebrate these two days,it is a warning reminding us that we are still on the verge of nonexistence and a larger group is still neglected even though on Women’s Day the media portray a few brave and determined women.That is why we don’t celebrate Men’s Day or run a campaign saying Save the Boy Child,because they are the preferred ones.

Though November 19th is celebrated as International Men’s Day,even men are not aware of such a day.They think that there is no Men’s Day and say that it is a discrimination.(All the men who opened their mouths out of surprise can close it now)

Once I heard a group of men laughing at the idea of Women’s Day,saying the world is being kind to women by giving a day to celebrate.All I told them was to remember that their Mother is also a woman.I would say women are kind to men and women are sympathetic to the world.UNFORTUNATELY there is a bit of sacrifice that women do for men.When you laugh at us saying ‘women are nothing‘,please remember that in your life you owe a lot to women.

Even when she knows that she got important tasks at work place,your mother must have still sat with you when you were sick;even when she knows that she is tired after a day’s work,your wife still makes a cup of coffee while you relax in your couch;even when she knows that you are wrong,she may shut her mouth only to keep up your ego;even when she knows that she is sleep deprived,she sacrifices her sleep so that you get to have your breakfast;even when she knows that she could have a brighter career,she still stays close to family so that you have your mother/wife close to you  and the list goes on.So before laughing at women,take a while to think about how much kindness and sympathy we show to you daily and you better respect it.Imagine how your life will be if she didn’t compromise on her dreams or her success or her life.There would have never been a woman job and man job in the family.I am glad that views are changing.

It is heartbreaking to realize that the number of rape victims are increasing exponentially year after year.It is a shame to show the world that in India,there is a rise of 700% in rape cases in 36 years.It is even more heartbreaking to see the pictures of rapists coming out of the court waving hands like celebrities and the media doing a special bulletin covering their personal life.

I dream about a world where women celebrate their lives round the year,they wear the clothes they like,they make decisions of their own and they are even allowed to come out of the womb.

Toast to all the women and the men folks who respect and love women!!

 

Answer to the TOUGHEST question

Again a story shared by Senthil.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never met such a repugnant creäture in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden. But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life, and the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur’s question thus: “What a woman really wants?” She said, “A Woman wants to be in-charge of her own life.”

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would from now on be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half. “Which would you prefer? She asked him. “Beautiful during the day …. Or at night?”

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

Should he prefer a beautiful woman during the day to show off to his friends, but at night, an old witch?

Or,

Should he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But a beautiful woman by night?

If you are a man then what would YOUR choice be?

If you are a woman then what would YOUR MAN’S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT… make YOUR choice before you scroll down below…and be honest to yourself while choosing the answer…OKAY?!

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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question; He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough and let her be in-charge of her own life.

Now… what is the moral to this story?

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The moral is…

1) There is both a witch and a beauty in every woman no matter how she looks!

2) If you don’t let a woman have her own way, and try to decide everything for her and expect her to accept it, then things are going to get ugly.

EVERY WOMAN LOVES HER PARTNER AND FAMILY AND TAKES CARE OF THEM WITH DEDICATION, BUT SHE HATES TO BE “TAKEN FOR GRANTED”

EVERY WOMAN HAS HER OWN IDENTITY AND INDIVIDUALITY AND WANTS HER MAN TO REALIZE AND RESPECT THIS AND GIVE HER, “HER SPACE!”

IN THE WALK OF LIFE, EVERY WIFE WANTS TO WALK WITH HER HUSBAND HAND-IN-HAND, NOT IN FRONT OF HIM, NOT BEHIND HIM!!!

Isn’t it high time to change?

Last week was a superb one.

Most of the times, I get “just” enough time to sit with my family. But this time, I thought I will visit my family folks for a change.

It was such a nice feeling to see many of my relatives after years. Most of them showered me with hugs and kisses. Some of them have not seen me for 10 years. It was like a celebration.

But even during such a happy moment, something pricked me very badly.

I visited one of my uncle’s houses. They welcomed me with lots of love and smile. Though I was hugging everyone and distributing toys and sweets to the kids, I felt that somebody is missing.Yeah!!My aunt (She is one of my favorite relatives ).I asked for her and my uncle told that I can’t meet her now.

I thought she was sick. I rushed into the bedroom and saw that the door is locked from outside.

She is having her period now. Don’t go inside or touch her.” said her mother-in-law

So who cooked the lunch? “, I asked.

“It was bought from outside as she is not allowed to enter the kitchen.” She replied.

I was fuming. In this 21st century, why do people have to follow this untouchability? But my aunt opened the door; we talked as if we were talking at the India – Pakistan border. While snacks were served to me, her mother-in-law brought some snacks and threw the bowl on to her bed like how we feed a dog in the kennel. Once the old woman went off I asked my aunt that why don’t she talk about this to uncle.

Even he is the same. I sleep in a different room for 7 days. I should wake up early to finish my bath so that my husband and mother-in-law don’t see me. It is considered as very inauspicious. They will keep my food at the door step of my room with water. If I walk through the verandah, then I will have to clean the way I walked. Already I will be too tired during these days, so why to do an extra work? So I sit in the room for a week.

I didn’t know how to console her. She told that she got used to this custom.

She feels bad when she is really sick with stomach ache or back pain and her husband doesn’t care about it as he cannot touch her for those 7 days.

I couldn’t digest what I saw and what I heard. During the return drive, I was thinking about it again and again.

If the husband is not well, will we ever put him in a room? We will try stay next to him so that our physical and emotional presence will soothe the illness. May be some men (women too) are not comfortable having sex during these time. That is personal comfort. But what is the need for putting a woman in another room and treating her like a pet animal?

I rushed to my Mom to tell about this matter when I got back home.My Mom is one sensible woman who takes the effort to see a lot thing very light and practical. Upon hearing the incident, she was telling even in her childhood it was the same. But since her elder brother was very educated, these kind practices were not followed. The actual intention behind this custom was that during olden days, it was the woman who does all the household work. During the time of period, it is usual to feel very weak and tired. So they were asked to take rest for that week and the food was provided for those 7 days. But later people changed this custom according to their wish telling that it’s inauspicious.

In one sense, yes!!!It will give rest to the woman.But again, isn’t it high time to change these beliefs and customs????