My Honour is My Curse

I honked my car’s horn when I reached in front of my home’s gate.I expected Chandran, my servant ,to open it.But I saw Savitha coming from the kitchen to open the gate.

He went to his native.His uncle passed away“,She told as if she understood my thoughts.

Savitha has been very understanding from the first day of our marriage.Things between us are very smooth as there is no extra effort for me to tell her what I want.

What happened to you?You look terrible.I will switch on the heater.Take a shower and come.Have early dinner and sleep.”, Savitha smiled at me and went to the kitchen.

They will come now..or will they come only tomorrow?But I am sure that they will come in search of me.”I whispered.

I took almost an hour to finish my bath but I was not feeling better.I switched off my cell phone to avoid calls.I have a feeling that today will be the last peaceful day in my life.

I sat at the head of the dining table waiting for Savitha to bring the plates.But I was not a bit hungry but again my thoughts wandered.”What if they took me tomorrow and I never returned?How will Savitha live alone?”

Savitha : “What happened to you?Was it as bad day at the shop?”

Me : “No..no problem.I don’t want dinner.I am tired.I will go and sleep.”

Savitha : “Oh oh..don’t sleep empty stomach.Wait for two minutes.I will make some juice for you.just two minutes.

She went back to the kitchen after taking two oranges from the refrigerator.

Things are good at the shop.It has been always good at the shop and that why I am a successful businessman.My growth was steady and fast that gave me positions in both the society and the family.I started taking decisions for the family and for most of the issues related to the local temple.At times I was proud about myself,my achievements and my positions.

Here it is“.

I woke up from my thoughts.I gave her a weak smile which made her bent little.She kissed me on my forehead.I again smiled at her.

I went to the bed.I tried sleeping but after sometime I fell into deep sleep.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

I woke up hearing Savitha’s voice banging the walls of the house.My heart skipped a beat.I swallowed that last drop of saliva in my mouth.I could hear a variety of sounds now.

The bedroom door opened with a bang.

Mr.Anand,you are under arrest“, the police officer shouted.

Savitha came running through the stairs.

She caught my collars and wept.”What did you do?What did you do?”

He murdered a girl last night.Her name is Anne“, the Inspector replied Savitha.

Savitha looked at me with burning eyes.She slapped me hard on my face that the world must have heard the sound of it.She just sat on the floor numb.I was handcuffed and I walked downstairs.

I saw a big crowd waiting in front of my house.I didn’t have the courage to look at anybody.I put my head in embarrassment and got inside the police jeep.People love interfering in other’s matters,they like gossiping about others.And I feared these people and that fear made me kill Anne.I could hear people whispering that I must have tried raping that girl.Some were discussing that I had an affair with her.But all these are not true.Only I know the truth.

The police jeep fled with a noisy sound making the world know that I am criminal.

Savitha got up and looked out of the window to see the jeep and a crowd following it.She quickly dialled Sunil’s number.But he didn’t pick her call.

After all,which son will bother to pick the call,when his father murdered his girl friend.

Anne was Sunil’s classmate during graduation.Though he got warnings from his mom about the religion issue,he was adamant that he will marry Anne for sure.

After settling in the job,Sunil talked with his Dad about this.

But Anand gave him a strict NO to it.He was not ready to spoil his reputation,pride and honor in the society.Cold war was going on between father and son for past six months.But Anand didn’t even bother to keep a step down in this matter.

Anand talked with Anne telling her to leave his son.But that girl was so much in love with Sunil that she begged him to take her as daughter-in-law as her family is fine with the wedding.Anand gave her a lecture about his value in the society.He told her that he will give her anything except his son.

Anand started becoming disturbed day by day.The very fear that his honor will die if his son marries a Christian girl made him go crazy.The temple fellows making fun of him was not something that he could digest.He tried explaining his worries to his son but instead he explained father how much he needs Anne in his life.

At last,he found out a way to get rid of the issue.He lied to Savitha that he is fine the wedding.Also,talked with Anne saying that he is paying a visit to her.Sunil became happy and excited hearing it from his dad.

Like said,Anand visited Anne,killed her using a newly bought butcher knife.He left the knife there itself and wrote in a piece of paper that he killed her.And then drove back home.

Savitha’s phone rang.It is Sunil.

I am not sure what to do now.He should have not done this.If he doesn’t want to get us married,he could have left us alone.What was the need to kill her?I called up to tell you that you may not see me herafter..not only you..nobody will ever see..”Click..

Savitha stood numb there.she was too weak to think or analyse or to support either her husband or her son.

They remanded me for 14 days.I was blank.

I sat on the floor thinking about Sunil and Anne.She was a nice girl but was from a different religion.Otherwise I would have agreed.But still I should have not done it.Sunil had explained everything to me that how well she took care of him and how much he wished to have her for a lifetime.Anne told me that two lives are at my mercy.Actually,why didn’t I think about her family?If my son was precious for me,then she must be precious for her parents.For me,at least my son is alive.

Ding..Ding..

The police officer banged on the door.

Hey,you..your son’s body was found in the railway track this morning.There will be one more charge against you.In his suicide letter,he has written that you are responsible for his death.What a pathetic person are you.Don’t you have shame..Duh!!!”

For a moment,I thought I am dead.

Why did I do this?

Trying to safe guard my ego and honor and family pride,I gave away my dear son and shattered two families.if I had tried to lower my head a little for my son’s happiness,then rather than being in jail,I would be sitting in the balcony with my grand kids.I would have not lost my son.That family would have not lost their daughter.Poor girl,she didn’t do anything wrong;the only mistake she did was that she loved the son of a pathetic and heartless person.Why didn’t I think about their dreams?How much they must have dreamt about their career,jobs, wedding,married life,kids and a life with each other?

I wanted to cry but the guilt made me join my son and Anne.

Next day when the police officer came to give open the door,he saw a lifeless body,a body with no honour and no pride.

For all the ones who support honour killing: you are born with nothing and you die with nothing.In this short period of life,why do you want to give more importance to ego,pride,family honour and status when there are more important matters in life.Love your kids,love your family.Show kindness when you get an opportunity.Your  .00000000000000001% mercy may save many people’s life and dreams.Live..let live.

I hate being an Indian Woman

My eyes are watering and I am having a terrible headache.

I again looked at my laptop screen but I closed my Gmail web page without logging out. The e-mail which I read  seconds before burnt me completely,it squeezed my heart to sink and it made me yell and cry.

I had a very close senior friend to whom I have an elder sister affection.During my younger days,I used to wonder upon the way she handled huge responsibilities and I always had a stint of jealousy seeing her matured and sensible behaviour.

Though she is elder to me,we are very close enough to talk out anything.The terrible e-mail was from her.I could feel the pain in her but it’s too late.Below is an excerpt of her mail.

“…I am hating myself for being in such a situation now.Though my kid’s smile and his love are making me happy,those were not that I craved to have at the age of 26.I have always told you about my dream start-up right?Remember??I topped the school and college dreaming about my start-up and not to baby sit and cook.Of course I want a family in my life,but this was too early.My dreams are shattered.I fought with him about this and he asked why I need to do it when I have no time to breathe with household works and baby;also he is earning more.It is making me more frustrated.Before marriage he had promised me that I could go ahead with my plans.Now I have to ask permission to a 101 people if I need to sort out this and it will be a mess.I should have not heeded for the emotional drama of my parents.I should have just made them understand what I wanted in my life.But what to do?I remember my mom falling on my feet telling that if I don’t get married at 23 they will suicide out of embarrssment.Now I am in deep s**t.I can never get out of the present committments.It will either end up in a divorce or I will suicide.Is there any rule that Indian women should never have dreams??Malu,I am tired of crying,I am tired of fighting for my dreams..I don’t know what to do now.Sometimes I will feel that I should just leave everything and then come to India.Tell me..Tell me something…………

Why do this happen to Indian girls?Why do girls have to sacrifice their dreams?If we were born for it,why are we taught to dream high?

We slog as much as or at times more than the guys do.We top the schools and universities.We top the work and again at the age of 22-24 we are forced to leave our dreams for somebody who just came into the our life.

All we have is a life..Just ONE life.

If we don’t do things that we wanted during our one life,then when will we ever do so?Looks like the purpose of educating us and teaching us to aim high was to get married off without allowing us to do what we wanted in life.Then what was the need for spending/investing/wasting money on us?

According to the current trend,students join their colleges at age of 17/18 and they graduate at the age of 21/22.Some go for higher studies and some take up jobs.Lets take the people who work after their graduation.It will take at least two years for a normal human being to understand the industry and it will take time to decide whether to switch the job or to find out the field that he/she will be good at.The problem happens when guys always have the freedom to decide on their lives because they are just 24 and still young.But,at the age of 24,a girl is apparently old;of course for the wedding market(no wonder because when parents get their 18-year-old daughter married off,then 24 years is old for the wedding industry) and she is nagged to marry someone.Like any other human being,the girl will be confused about her career and dreams.May be she had plans to do a start-up or to study further or to switch jobs.But that normally doesn’t happen because of the emotional dramas and the endless phone calls from home.The post graduated people suffer even more because they take again two years to find out a right job.

After some years,we girls see guys who were not even half talented as we were fulfill their dreams with their hard work and determination while we end up sitting at home with two kids.Nobody will ever understand the pain in watching it in front of our eyes.

Is it a big mistake to think about having a financial security of our own before getting married?Is it a sin to be stubborn to talk about our dreams?

The problem is when parents expect us to do everything in the traditional way.They are happy and proud when we top school and college.But they show frowned faces and wrinkled foreheads the moment we tell them that we would like to post-graduate or work abroad.This mess is created by the society which makes crap rules.Parents are pressurized as the society creates nightmares for them if they don’t get their daughters married off at 23.The society cooks up stories about the girl not getting married by 23 and most of the parents are scared about this.Unless the younger generation tries hard to make a change,our daughters are going to have a tough time ahead.

I will not say that its everybody’s case,there are some rare lucky souls who gets a supportive husband and understanding in-laws.But that’s just .01% or even less.

At times I hate myself after hearing and seeing these issues..I don’t hate being a woman..and I don’t hate being an Indian.Though I am a proud Indian,I have no other choice but, to say that I hate being an Indian woman.