Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.5

Continued from here,the final question asked in the survey was

Do you think the rapes cases are creating a generalization attitude which says all men are bad?

5

 

Since I don’t interact with a lot of women, I don’t know. May be. At least when reading newspapers, I get the feeling that every other man is a potential rapist!
Now, to the question of how to bring a change, my solution would be that of an extremist, but anyways, I think rape cases could be avoided or at least brought down, if Indian people are more liberal towards sex. An average Indian man marries at the age of 28 while he reaches adolescence at say 14 or so.. In conservative Indian society, it takes 14 years for a man to have sex with a woman- of course, pre-marital sex is still considered sin/ immoral. Moreover, all these years after adolescence, he might have watched millions of movies and stuff not necessary illegal, which have either one or two sex scenes and the like. It is a good quality of mind that a man doesn’t violate a woman in any means. But at the same time, a rapist is almost a hungry wolf, not bothering whether his food is stolen or not!Well, rape committed by a married man in that sense would clearly be unjustified and a crime. If it were for men, who become pregnant, rape cases would still exist, but the, rape would be charged the other way round. Mind you, by the above statement, I am not justifying a rapist, but in turn, thinking it in a more general perspective.
So, as I said before, the best way would be for the society to take a more liberal attitude towards sex.
may be legalizing prostitution or setting up government run brothels in a healthier and safer way? And still if rape cases exist, just go for capital punishment, That’s all. – Kizhakkepurakkal Ashwin

No, definitely not. But it does make women a bit more cautious during their dealings with men, but definitely it doesn’t create a generalizing tendency among women. Besides, I don’t think most women are crude enough to look at all men with such condescending.  However, a change is required in the mindset of most men to look at women as equals and not as sex objects, through appropriate sex education right from adolescence and encouraging more socializing among men and women to understand each other. – Name Withheld

Its basically based on how the media portrays. Hence the only way to change this is making media more sensitive to facts and accountable for publishing data that does not have sounding proof behind it! – Charan Saravana

It obviously is. But there is a truth in it because, women in India are terrified and pushed to a limit that they cannot trust anyone. A friendly uncle, cousin brother even father in some cases had abused their trust and body. If they can’t even believe their family, they obviously would generalize the attitude of other men as well. It is the collective duty of all Indian men to stop harassing and start building trust. Then their son or grandson can see the result. – Bragadeesh Prasanna

Rape has existed for long; what comes to the fore is the women who are raped; there is a massive silence on the men who are raped; yes gay and bisexual men and women are there; rape happens both ways. ‘Virginity’ is not something restricted to women alone. Beginning with the ‘Delhi-rape’ case which got massive media publicity, a tendency to view all Indian men as ‘womanizer’ and rapists has set in and this is a mentality that is very tough to change. A few rotten eggs will always stay and rotten eggs have a tendency to corrupt the good eggs placed in the same basket. So there is no solution for this. I have cousins in Delhi, NCR and Kerala; I am frightened for them;it is in the power of the sacred rakhi that I receive from them that I place my trust and I know that they are trained to protect themselves, but an inevitable sense of dread always remains. – Mahesh Lakshmanan

Rapes happen in every country, every government is corrupt. I got few suggestions not sure how practical they are

1. Sex Education, we need to educate people about STD/STI

2. Escort/Prostitution License. It exists in society anyways, why not make it licensed and do it the correct way

3. Stop the tradition of arrange marriage altogether. Let kids do the hard work and let them decide when and who they want to marry

4. If a guy hangs out with bunch of girls he is a pussy, if a girl hangs out with bunch of guys she is a whore. Its because other guys/gals are jealous. Need to change this mentality

5. We need to have a equal society. A person who is a mechanic is as human as you are and in all possibility he is in a better shape. Its just his job. We need to promote a life after work or pursuing hobby  I see this thing is trending in youths today, they have a life out of work and they have a hobby but its still a small percentage – Name Withheld

Rape cases are generalized in a different way. Every other day there is rape stories in TV, and even women have grown bored of it – they simply change the channel and enjoy a song in which a hero is teasing the heroine. So the answer is NO – at least I’m not being looked at as if I’m a rapist!! – Joshi Mukard

Rape cases don’t, but few feminist project all Indian men as rapist. Rapes are occurring only because of poor legal sanctions. If we need to bring a change, we must implement the exiting laws and if needed we must bring much further stringent laws. Educate kids right from early age. Sex education is required. – Deepak Karthik


*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

Worries of an Indian Boy – Preface

It is true that I have tried to bring out the issues of women without holding back any hesitation.I have always written about the issues raw so that people understand them better.I understand the surprise of my readers and I know you did check twice to know whether you are at the correct blog.You read it right;the post is about Indian men–a few good Indian men whom the world never talks about.

Why this post?

After writing the post Worries of an Indian Girl,I tried searching whether somebody has written about worries of an Indian Boy. Surprisingly there wasn’t even one post or article which discussed about them.The articles which I found were all about how bad Indian men are,how to make Indian men better human beings,Indian men are chauvinist pigs,Indian men should learn to respect etc.I do agree with the aforementioned facts.Most of the Indian men are,but there is a fact that we conveniently forget,that there are a few good Indian men too. In the flood of the articles about women issues,I kept wondering where will the worries of my Father,Brother and other male friends go?This kept me thinking and counting the good men I know in my life.How can I forget my Father who let me grow independently?How can I forget my Brother who respects my space and lifestyle?How I can forget my best friends who stayed beside me during both my ups and downs?How can I forget my teacher who took an extra effort to make me succeed?How can I forget that strange man who helped in the train?How can I forget that auto driver who dropped me home in the middle of the night even though he was done for the day?How can I forget the security guard who comes along with me in the cab and leaves only after he sees light in my apartment?How can I forget the fellow-men who take an extra effort make this world a better place for both men and women?How can I forget that policeman who took care of me during an accident?How can I forget my male colleagues who make office a better place to work?How can I forget my mentors who helped me grow personally and professionally? I read your mind.There is another side too. There are Fathers who molest their daughters,there are Brothers who sell their Sisters,there are husbands who beat their wives black and blue,there are male friends who rape their female friends,there are teachers who exploit girls,there are strange men who grope women,there are auto drivers who take girls to places,there are security guards who take advantage,there are fellow-men who make the world a bad place for women,there are policemen who are wolves in sheep’s clothing,there are male colleagues who are chauvinists and treat you like shit and there are mentors who pull you down morally and emotionally. But, do these bad men overshadow the good men?Yes!! the same way like bad women are overshadowed by good women.Below are some obvious matters which struck my mind. 1)In the Delhi gang rape case,her male friend did his best to save the girl and showed the courage to come in front of the media to tell the story.After the verdict the Mother of one of the rapists urged public to spare his son saying he is a good boy.The media didn’t make the male friend a good man or the Mother a bad woman.In fact nobody discussed this about these people. 2)It is true that men are killing new-born girl babies as they want only boy babies.But,there are women who want only boy babies too.There are Mothers-in-law who make the life of Daughters-in-law(the couple more precisely) miserable for not bearing a male child. 3)Men cheat on women,refuse divorce,kill wife to marry another woman,beat up wife,drink and waste the hard-earned money of wife,leave the wife making her to bring up kids alone etc.Then what about the women who cheat on men,women who refuse divorce,women who kill their husband so that she can marry another man,women who burn the hard-earned money of husband,men who bring up kids alone etc? 4)In most of the sex racket cases,it is always a woman who must have persuaded the girl/s to trap. 5)In most of the stove-blast deaths and dowry deaths,together with the husband the Mother-in-law and sister-in-law are also guilty for the girl’s death. 6)There are men who try to flirt or hook up with women in social media websites.The other side is that there are equal number of women who try to do the same. 7)There are men who marry for dowry money,free sex and a slave.And there are equal number of women who marry for trips to US,posh life and money of course. 8)There are husbands who cage their wife after wedding.And there are wives who restrict husband a social life after the wedding. 9)There are women who end up being female escorts out of compulsion or upon their will and there is an alarming increase in the number of male escorts too to earn quick bucks or take up the job upon their will. The list might go on. I don’t want to close my eyes towards those few good men in the country just because there is a huge percentage of bad men on the other hand.Mainly because to make this world a better place to live,a safer place for women,and a peaceful place where gender equality exists,we need good men too. To know more about the worries of Indian men,I am running a survey and you can answer the questions here. Now a question exists in your mind. Am I still a feminist? Yes,I am because I believe in gender equality. *Comments are strictly moderated.

What I feel now is…

… terrible. Everybody around me was talking about rape and rights of women and I felt very weird because it was a new thing for me. I felt even weirder when I realized that people are realizing it only now. But, I’m glad that at least a small percentage of people did make an effort to show their solidarity against the inhumane acts against women. Many inquired why I’m not writing a post about what has happened in India. Some even told certain incidents from their life which they wanted me to mention in my post. But, I refrained from writing a post all this while only because I was badly hurt by the incident. I couldn’t cope with the fact that heinous acts can happen to women to any extent.

For an ordinary woman like me the number of stories about being raged and flushed with anger has lost count.

There was a peon in our school who molested most of the “physically matured” girls. The girls who got their period and growth of breasts were very innocent in their minds; after all we cannot expect a 6th girl in late 1990s to be as informative as the same aged girls now. The girls had no clue how to react when he did things to them because they were ignorant. Stories about him circulated among the girls and even the teachers knew about it. Surprisingly, no action was taken though parents complained about him to the school authority. Teachers are not Gods and I realized it when the girls in the Sanskrit class started telling stories about the newly recruited male teacher. It was his hobby to put his hands through the sleeves of the girl’s uniform on the pretext of pinching the girl as a punishment. Things went out of control when one of the girls was caught with the teacher in an empty classroom. The story ended with a twist when the teacher appeared with his wife and kids because he had joined the school saying that he was a brahmachari. Today, when I look back, my blood boils with anger thinking why the parents never fought to throw him out of the school.

Moving to a school in the heart of the city only worsened the conditions. The school being a girls only school taught me a lot of interesting things. Talking to a boy was considered as a serious crime and such girls were branded as “bitches”. So when I told my friends that my best friend is a boy and I played cricket with my neighborhood childhood friends, they almost fainted. Using public transport to school was a terrible thing as the bus conductors hated the students. At times the conductors would pat the bum of the girls asking them to give space for him to move around in the bus. The cleaner man of the bus is adhered to the foot board of the bus that without being touched and caressed by him, girls cannot get out of the bus. Some men love the surroundings of a girls’ school. Men standing of the walls of the school and lifting their lungi and flaunting their penis was not an unusual scene for us. Whenever we have complained, we have always got a standard reply which is like “why did you look at him?”. Pick every girl who studied with me and every one will be having thousands of such stories. Once I even slapped a man who tried to hold me and for more than a week I made my Father drop me in school as I was too scared to travel alone. Travelling in KSRTC (Kerala State Road Transport Corporation) buses are even messed up. The bus has only one door and that too at the rear end. While getting down, you can never make out who touched your bum and who touched your breasts. By the time the women wearing sari get down from a crowded KSRTC bus, if they are lucky there won’t be any scars or nail scratches on their body. And since the bus will be too crowded, we cannot place who did things to us.

The torture saga in the train started when I moved out of house of my graduation. While travelling in the sleeper suddenly we can feel the hands on our legs. We would become wide awake to see a shadow running away.By the time we realize what has happened, the shadow must have disappeared completely. Once a woman complained caught a man when he tried to grope her leg. She was sleeping in the lower berth of the sleeper class. The police beat him and took him away. None of us slept that night fearing what may happen through rest of the journey.

I don’t know why nobody (including me) has ever complained about people throwing stones into the ladies compartment in the trains. While I used to travel in the Cannanore – Cochin Intercity Express, there are two places (before Kuttipuram and before Shornur) where men would be sitting on the gravels next to the rails and when the train passes by, they would hurl stones at the ladies compartment. The daily travelling ladies would ask rest of the crowd in the ladies compartment to close the doors and windows before reaching those spots. I wonder what pleasure and satisfaction the men get by throwing stones at women.

There is a dialog collection which I have heard from the day I started working in Chennai. Though I have switched places, I always have half a kilometer distance to walk to get the public transport. The common dialogues are

“How much milk do you produce?”,”My penis is erected by seeing you”, “Can we book a room?”,”Have you seen my thing? Look, look”,*any of my organs* super super, can I touch them?”

Above are the few “decent” dialogues which are hurled at women who walk that half a kilometer distance. Some other things which they shout at us cannot be put on my blog, it will stink. And to add the surprise, these dialogues are said by even educated, well dressed professionals too. 

The lesson which I learned in past weeks is that now I started reacting to even the harmless comment passed on me. I realized that my silence is taken as YES even though it is just a comment.

But I still feel terrible because the peon and teacher still work in the school, men continue to lift their lungis and flaunt their penis, the stones are still thrown at the ladies compartment and my day is not complete without hearing couple of the comments.

473459_10151625998427268_1441258843_oImage courtesy : http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/male-allies/educating-boys-men/

Rape?Duhh!!!

Ting Ting!! The door bell rang.

Diya : “Sai, open the door.It must be Neha”.

Shalini : “There comes our late comer.Hey Neha, can’t you come on time, at least for our monthly kitty party?”

Neha : “Phew!!I had to pick up my son from the violin class and then drop him at the soccer coaching camp.But I know, you are so sweet that you will wait for me.”

Reshma winked.

Reshma : “Ah ha!! Shalu, Next time, let’s start the party before Neha shows in..LOL”

Neha : “Hey!! Don’t do that.Am I not your sweetheart?How can you even think about such a matter?You broke my heart”.

Neha stabbed herself with her hands.

Diya : “Do you know my husband is telling me to resign my job?”

Reshma,Neha and Shalini : “WHAT?!!”

Diya : “yeah,didn’t you read about the curfew for women after 8pm?My husband is really worried”

Reshma : “But how can you stop working merely because there were rape cases.Do you know rape is happening all around the world regardless of the social strata ,geographical structure and the nation’s culture?”

Shalini : “Why can’t they keep a curfew for the men after 8pm?ROTFL”

High Five!!!

Diya : “I don’t know what to tell him or how to convince him.I have had a hard way to reach where I am today in my career.But seriously,even I am scared.”

Shalini : “It is scary indeed.These days even carrying a pepper spray is not making me feel safe.”

Diya : “Neha,Why are you silent?”

Reshma : “Thinking about how to break my heart?”

She pinched on Neha’s cheeks.

Neha : “What will you do if you get raped tonight?”

Reshma : “WT*!! How can you even think about such a matter?”

Diya : “Oye Neha,I am already tensed about the milieu and don’t add toppings.”

Neha : “How can we be assured that we don’t get raped at all?Shouldn’t we have a plan,a worst case solution,for ourselves?”

Diya : “I will kill myself for sure.I am sure that my husband will divorce me.Also,I the torture from the Police.media,family,relatives et al.No way.I will suicide for sure.”

Shalini : “I don’t know what to say.May be I will go mad.I am not sure.But still,what will I do if I get raped?”

Reshma : “I will elope to heaven.I can’t think about anything else.Fighting with the police to get the criminals arrested is one of the impossible tasks in India.Neha.do you have any solutions?”

Neha : “I will live my life to the fullest.”

Shalini : “Eh?Now does that mean?”

Neha : “If such a tragedy happens to me I will go straight to the ….”

Reshma : “…straight to the ?”

Shalini : “Police station,of course.Where else?”

Neha : “No!!”

Diya : “Then?”

Neha : “To the medical store.”

Shalini : “You won’t get cyanide in drug stores,madam”

Neha : “I will buy an i-Pill and swallow it immediately.”

Reshma : “yeah sensible.Then off to Police Station,right?”

Neha : “No,I go home,switch on the heater and then pour some Dettol.I will take a long hot shower and then sleep.”

Diya : ” Imagine the mental trauma,you won’t able to relax.”

Neha : “But I have molded my mind that way.In this country where people blame the victims and let the perpetrators be in the limelight,I don’t see another way to deal with it. Just because some morons plunged into my aura,doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice my life.I have the right to live and I will live to the fullest.I don’t believe that a piece of tissue measures my purity.”

Shalini : “So you won’t file a complaint?”

Neha : “NO!!”

Diya : “So let those men go free?WTH!!”

Neha : “No,I won’t let them go free.”

Reshma : “Then?”

Neha : “I have a plan in my mind.I will explain to you in the next kitty party.My son will be waiting for me after the soccer class.”

Shalini : “Hey Neha,tell us the plan and leave.I can’t wait to listen to your master plan.”

Neha : “It is really late and I can’t keep my son waiting for long.After all I need to make sure that you don’t start the party without me next month.ha! ha! ha! Bye Bye!!I will catch you guys next month.Shalini,Should I drop you at home?”

Shalini : “Oh yes,I am coming with you.Bye people..will miss you.And Diya,I will punch you if you resign your job.”

Reshma : “Yeah,I will kick you out of our gang too.You better convince your husband”

Diya : “Huh!!yeah.Hey let’s join kick boxing classes.Wonderful,right?”

Shalini : “Your husband is already thin,why do want to fight with him?LOL!!”

Rakesh,Diya’s husband,came in after the work.

Rakesh : “Looks like you guys are having a good laugh.Am I allowed to know the reason?”

Reshma : “Nothing much Rakesh,Let’s leave.It is already late.”

Rakesh : “Okay.Bye ladies.Drive safe..Please.”

Diya : “Bye Sweeties..Muaaah!!text me once you get back home.”

After closing the door,Diya asked Rakesh.

Diya : “Can I ask you something?”

Rakesh : “What is it my darling woman?”

He kissed on her cheeks.

Diya : “What will you do if I get raped?”

Rakesh : “WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!”

GUESS the master plan of Neha OR/AND the reply of  Rakesh to win the “I LIVE MY LIFE” Award.

Spread the word.

In search of “some” innocence

These days I am disturbed when I read through the leading Malayalam newspapers. Under the pages tagged as “Naattu Varthamanam” which means “Local News”, I can see news only about rape, abuse and murder.

The shocking news was about the murder of a 4-year old girl by a 10-year-old neighbor boy. It was unbelievable that he had molested her many times and the last time when the girl cried after the rape, he suffocated her to death.

 HE KILLED HER!!

While we were kids, parents taught us not to harm even an ant. There were times when we run back to Mom and cry after watching an accident or seeing somebody hurt. Today the feelings of empathy have vanished in kids. My colleague was telling her neighboring kid announced that he will kill his Mom if she doesn’t buy him a particular bicycle. Do you know in which class he study? 3rd standard!!

15 years back, I was 10 years old. I didn’t even know what sex was. There was so much innocence inside us then. Everybody in the class was our friends regardless of gender. Those days silly fights, childish jealousy and warm friendships were silly, childish and warm. A hidden flavor of “SEX” never came in between those innocent friendships. The friendships were healthy. But today things have changed. I think 7-year-old kids know more about sex than the elders.

Last week I read about the dark side of a 5th standard boy. He had come to stay in his uncle’s house. He “used” his uncle’s 1-year-old baby girl for his pleasures. The parents wondered why the baby cried non-stop without any reason. The doctor found out the truth only when the girl developed rashes at her private areas. Imagine the plight of that mother who took care of her brother’s son like her own son. He was just 9 years old.

We cannot blame the kids as they grow up watching the elders. Now we can see grandfathers having pleasure in pampering the neighbor’s kid, fathers selling their daughters, mothers forcing their daughters into prostitution, uncles taking nieces granted for their fantasies, classmates acting as lover boys and teachers teaching the first lessons of sex.

PS: Looks like now we should hunt for something/someone to symbolize innocence. Kids are no more innocent.