They can’t because they are parents?

This time while writing I am having a clear picture about what I am writing.The reason is I have discussed about this matter with some of my “aunt-friends“.Even between such a busy schedule,I decided to write because I am having an intuition that now a visible trend has started.

Though I disliked “Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna“,now when I see from a different angle,after having some talks with senior women, I think the topic is correct in some sense.

The very thought about such a controversial topic came into my mind after hearing the wedding of Shashi Tharoor in the presence of his kids.

Then I was thinking,how those kids must have handled the fact the their Dad is having a girl friend and he is going to marry her.

Even though I write and support for the rights for woman and for love marriages,I have never thought about some thing like “Dad with his girl or Mom going out with her guy”.

Coming back to the details of the discussion I had with some of my very close teachers and senior female friends,what I understood was that 90% of them preferred to be out of the wedding.But they are NOT doing it just because they are scared of the society.

Deep from my heart,I don’t know whether to support them or not.When I heard their stories,it was right from their part.Most of the talks fell into these two categories.

"I remember falling on my Dad's feet for not getting married to my husband.
We have a daughter born out of a rape;first and last intercourse.
He is not leaving me because my father is his mentor. His life will end if he 
dumps me.
Even after being with him for 20 years, I have never liked him or disliked him.
Life is moreover like a hostel life. I am living for my daughter because she 
may not get a good proposal if my husband and I are separated."

I am wondering how come she lived all these years in suffocation.After hearing this,I understood why she used to spend most of the time in her work place and weekends with our friends gang.

"I don't dislike my husband but secretly being in a relationship/friendship
 with my boyfriend who is still single constrains me from loving him.
Moreover our wedding was an adjustment between our families as he had a
Christian girl friend who is still his girl friend and I was also in a 
relationship.As both the families wanted to get rid of our love life,
they made us marry.We don't have kids.
He is living his life and I am living my life.At times,I used to think why
 I am wasting my life."

When I see it from their eyes,they are correct.But I am still confused.

I don’t know about this issue from a man’s point of view as I am not comfortable talking about these with senior guys.

Going out-of-wedlock is not a new thing in our country.But we have heard about it only among celebrities and film stars.But about one thing I am sure,that the time for us to update two father’s/mother’s name in FB is not that far.

But,one last question.

Why are we against it?(Personally I’m against it)

They can’t because they are PARENTS??????????

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Irresponsible??Spoiled??

AS YOU SOW, SO SHALL YOU REAP

Certain articles make us ponder for hours.Last evening,I came across such an article in one of the Malayalam Women’s publications.

The article talked about how a couple lost their kid.They had bought everything their kids asked for.They had showered their kids,especially their son,with love and care.The parents had always praised the kids to make them feel great.They had never punished the kids.The parents had never let the kids know what misery and trouble were.

One day their son,who was a 3rd standard student,had beaten up a classmate and the teacher punished him.The fight was over his father’s income.He came home and told his mom about it but didn’t cry over the punishment.But he overheard the truth for which he fought for during mom’s “kids praising” session to the neighbors.She proudly told others how much her son loves his Dad.When friends teased him for lying that his dad is a big shot guy,he fought with them.But the truth was that he never knew that his Dad was working as an electrician.The son had no clue what his father’s job was like.He always thought that they were rich enough.But when he overheard from his mom that his dad bought most of the toys in debt,he sank.His mom took the above act as a token of love the Dad had for the kids.The son couldn’t bear the embarrassment.He couldn’t believe that all he had talked to his friends were just an illusion.He killed himself hanging in a rope.Now the parents are in an ocean of tears and in a pitch of depression after losing their son.They gave their son everything he wished for but still they lost him,that too at an early age.

The cause lies where they “gave everything” to their kids.

I have seen most of the parents think that their kids should never have any troubles or tensions.It is normal to wish that the kids should have a better life than the parents had during their young days.But when these thoughts become an obsession,it will take your kids to a place they bear no troubles at all.

R.I.P.

Most of the problems happen when the parents never let their kids know about their job,their income,their friends’ circle,their past,their school and college days and more importantly their financials.

My parents always used to take my brother and me to their offices.We will be advised to sit at the corner and watch them work or read a book.So at the age of 8 or 9 itself we knew where and how they worked.Also we knew the correct meaning when our parents tell us that they are busy at office because we have seen by ourselves.So we became sensible enough not to disturb them with calls during office hours.

Though there were maids at home,it was usual that Mom make us go to the near by shop to buy vegetables and household items.Even when some of her friends boast saying that their kids know nothing about the money matter,she always used to reply them with a naughty smile.I remember our monthly shopping at the Triveni departmental store at S.M.Street,Calicut.After coming back from the shopping,they would make us write accounts for the day.They would say that my handwriting is good and my brother is good at using calculator.So writing of accounts became a routine at home and we used to have fun during these session telling about people that we saw during shopping or about some incidents that happened at work or school.So we knew the price of everything that we bought at home.We knew how much our parents could afford in a month.

Later,they taught us what a salary slip is.They taught us about the income they earn and the other family committments.So by the time we reached our teens,we were obviously aware of the financial issues at home.We knew how much our parents earned and we were sensible about what to ask for.

There was a transparency among us.We knew about their hikes and promotions and they knew our teachers,friends and of course our marks.We knew that during the month of March parents have to pay tax,so it is difficult to spend too much on that month and they knew our favorite teachers and friends.As we four had a good rapport with each other,it was easy to understand when our parents said a NO for any matter.

My parents never had the ego to tell us when they had a bad day at office,so we also learnt to tell them when we got punishment at school or if we had any fights with friends.So that made us support each other during bad times.The one hour talk during dinner time was a to tell about our whole day and to get relieved before sleep.

I feel great about my parents now.

Today,I see a lot of my friends who have no clue about what their family income was or how much debt/loan their parents had.Some people don’t even have an idea what their dad’s designation was.They are ignorant about their parents’ job.Most of the parents hide their salary and designation from the kids and tell them that they are big shot at office.They refuse to take them to show their work because at home they must have told like “office is huge“,”I have a cubicle of my own“,”everybody wishes me when I come in to office“…

Why do parents do this?If you feed the kid with false and fancy descriptions about work and financials,the respect they have for you will go the moment they know the truth.Instead tell them about yourself,your school and college days,your friends,your work,problems in family etc.I have friends who don’t even know where their parents had studied.Some are completely ignorant what their parents’ educational qualifications are.

Sigh!!

So if your child is irresponsible or emotionally weak or not confident or cannot take risks or decisions, you are the reason for it.Rather than pampering them with money,you let them live through your tensions but share your happiness too.Rather than buying things for debt,give them what you can afford and make them understand how difficult it was for you to earn such a small amount.Kids will surely value it.Celebrate your small achievements with your family.It is not necessary to go for a tour to have fun with family.You can do household works with your family.In my home,we used play a game “cleanest room”.To win the game,we used to clean nook and corner of our room so that our room is cleaner than parents’ room.Though we were cleaning our house,we do so as fun and that builds the family bonding.:) ;)So instead of pushing the kids for studying and tuitions round the clock,spend time with them.If you think that the money you spend for them is love,then kids will consider you as an ATM. 😛 😛

Let your kid know that you are a SENSIBLE parent than a super parent.