“There is something wrong“, I told my Mom as tears rolled down on my cheeks at a faster rate.
“No, there is definitely something wrong. I can feel it. I know it but I am unable to explain to you“, I couldn’t express better to my Mom.
It was my first pregnancy. The excitement and happiness were at the extreme in the family. Man of the House suddenly turned into an overexcited boy. I could feel the change in me too. I wanted to shout out to the World that I was going to be a Mom and I did exactly the same. I couldn’t resist the happiness and joy that I told everyone whom I knew that I was going to have a baby. That was 3 weeks before crying to Mom on the night before my first scan appointment.
I went for the scan next day morning and the lady asked me whether I have any bleeding. And I knew what was coming on my way. I said no and looked at the scan monitor and then looked at her and her expression said it all. She couldn’t detect the heartbeat of the fetus and it was a missed abortion.
“This is common and there isn’t anything to worry. You can try having a baby after 6 months.” Although she said this to make me feel better, I sank.
My best friend, Supriya, had accompanied me and I explained to her in the best possible way I could because I was losing my mind. I didn’t know how to call up my Husband and break this news but I had to. He was away and that made the pain unbearable. I traveled to Calicut, he rushed and came down too.
The D&E abortion was done. He flew back and stayed back home until I am recovered. The first week after the abortion was tough. I had severe insomnia and hallucinations. I wanted to smile, laugh, run, read, write, talk but I couldn’t do anything. For a couple of days, I was ashamed of myself. But, I had the luxury to be away from people especially from relatives. I started reading online about miscarriages and found another million women undergoing the same and giving hopes and support to the suffering ones. I was relieved and I accepted the fact that this is common which helped me recover faster both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Months passed by and I was pregnant for the second time. This time there was more tension than any happiness. I couldn’t sleep the night before my first scan. I cried when the scan monitor showed a heartbeat. We told no one except our parents. I wasn’t happy because I knew that something was wrong. I would call up Supriya and tell her about my worries. We discussed scan reports in detail and read online to see how things are. My peace of mind had gone. Vomiting made it worse. I was glued to my phone searching on minor physical changes in me.
My nightmares came into reality during the third scan. I had taken a break from work and had gone alone for the scan. The lady was tensed and told me to call up family or friends to come and be with me. This made me go crazy. I called up my Brother who could reach faster than my Husband. Before he could reach, I already knew the news. The fetus has Sirenomelia which is a rare disorder. I saw the image and she showed me how the fetus doesn’t have a nose, spinal cord, and legs.
I wanted to jump out of the window from the 4th floor of the building and die peacefully. I collapsed on my Brother when he reached. By the time, my Husband had reached I had become numb from crying. I still remember sitting in a corner chair while those two had gone to talk to the Doctor. I had given up and I had no hopes. Parents flew down the next day morning and I couldn’t see my Mom crying. I could understand from her face that she had cried throughout the night. I had six scans before the decision to terminate the pregnancy was made.
My Husband said sorry a million times while sitting next to me at the abortion table. I had to push out the fetus. We had already decided that we aren’t taking a look at the fetus. I wasn’t sad and I was rather relieved that I wasn’t bringing a life which will be tough for the child. The medicines and injections were a boon and slept peacefully that night after a long time. I came home without any remorse and my family was surprised. But, on the 3rd day, I broke down and went uncontrollable. I went hysterical when my best friend called me but I appreciate him listening to me patiently. I didn’t want to meet anyone, so I left the job. It was hard once my family went back to their jobs. I was alone during the day and it only made me feel worse. Now, this is when your friends come to rescue. Supriya took off from work, came down to my place, and stayed with me for a week. That was the therapy I badly wanted. We went out, shopped, watched the sunrise, binge-watched, and I was back in action. I found a new job and life was once again filled with love and laughter.
Supriya – I am indebted to you for what you had done for me.
Then the third pregnancy happened at the wrong time. I was suffering from chicken pox and the Doctors told me to terminate the pregnancy citing all the complications it could bring to the child.
I demanded a counseling session because I was sure that a nervous breakdown was on its way. My Husband sat next to me holding my hands during the sessions while I cried my heart out.
We didn’t have the strength to go over an abortion one more time and my Husband stood with me like a rock saying that we will make this happen. I went back to my Parents.
But, the Doctors were right. I had complications popping up every week. I puked day in and day out. I barely ate. Lost weight. Every hospital visit was painful and it only worsened my insomnia. The complications were never-ending and I was hopeful and exhausted at the same time.
And, Ami was born.
That’s when we as a family finally took a relieving breath.
If I start a list of people to whom I should thank, then it’s going to be a long one. But, I survived only because of my family, especially my Mom and my Husband.
To my friend who recently had a miscarriage – You will pass this soon. I wrote this post for you. Please do tell your Mother-in-law and relatives that miscarriages do not make you a lesser woman; You aren’t a lesser woman.
To the Husbands – The more love and care you give her, the faster she would recover.
To the rest of the World – Please keep your opinions, suggestions, and pieces of advice with yourself and kindly keep your mouth shut. Thank You!