Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.5

Continued from here,the final question asked in the survey was

Do you think the rapes cases are creating a generalization attitude which says all men are bad?

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Since I don’t interact with a lot of women, I don’t know. May be. At least when reading newspapers, I get the feeling that every other man is a potential rapist!
Now, to the question of how to bring a change, my solution would be that of an extremist, but anyways, I think rape cases could be avoided or at least brought down, if Indian people are more liberal towards sex. An average Indian man marries at the age of 28 while he reaches adolescence at say 14 or so.. In conservative Indian society, it takes 14 years for a man to have sex with a woman- of course, pre-marital sex is still considered sin/ immoral. Moreover, all these years after adolescence, he might have watched millions of movies and stuff not necessary illegal, which have either one or two sex scenes and the like. It is a good quality of mind that a man doesn’t violate a woman in any means. But at the same time, a rapist is almost a hungry wolf, not bothering whether his food is stolen or not!Well, rape committed by a married man in that sense would clearly be unjustified and a crime. If it were for men, who become pregnant, rape cases would still exist, but the, rape would be charged the other way round. Mind you, by the above statement, I am not justifying a rapist, but in turn, thinking it in a more general perspective.
So, as I said before, the best way would be for the society to take a more liberal attitude towards sex.
may be legalizing prostitution or setting up government run brothels in a healthier and safer way? And still if rape cases exist, just go for capital punishment, That’s all. – Kizhakkepurakkal Ashwin

No, definitely not. But it does make women a bit more cautious during their dealings with men, but definitely it doesn’t create a generalizing tendency among women. Besides, I don’t think most women are crude enough to look at all men with such condescending.  However, a change is required in the mindset of most men to look at women as equals and not as sex objects, through appropriate sex education right from adolescence and encouraging more socializing among men and women to understand each other. – Name Withheld

Its basically based on how the media portrays. Hence the only way to change this is making media more sensitive to facts and accountable for publishing data that does not have sounding proof behind it! – Charan Saravana

It obviously is. But there is a truth in it because, women in India are terrified and pushed to a limit that they cannot trust anyone. A friendly uncle, cousin brother even father in some cases had abused their trust and body. If they can’t even believe their family, they obviously would generalize the attitude of other men as well. It is the collective duty of all Indian men to stop harassing and start building trust. Then their son or grandson can see the result. – Bragadeesh Prasanna

Rape has existed for long; what comes to the fore is the women who are raped; there is a massive silence on the men who are raped; yes gay and bisexual men and women are there; rape happens both ways. ‘Virginity’ is not something restricted to women alone. Beginning with the ‘Delhi-rape’ case which got massive media publicity, a tendency to view all Indian men as ‘womanizer’ and rapists has set in and this is a mentality that is very tough to change. A few rotten eggs will always stay and rotten eggs have a tendency to corrupt the good eggs placed in the same basket. So there is no solution for this. I have cousins in Delhi, NCR and Kerala; I am frightened for them;it is in the power of the sacred rakhi that I receive from them that I place my trust and I know that they are trained to protect themselves, but an inevitable sense of dread always remains. – Mahesh Lakshmanan

Rapes happen in every country, every government is corrupt. I got few suggestions not sure how practical they are

1. Sex Education, we need to educate people about STD/STI

2. Escort/Prostitution License. It exists in society anyways, why not make it licensed and do it the correct way

3. Stop the tradition of arrange marriage altogether. Let kids do the hard work and let them decide when and who they want to marry

4. If a guy hangs out with bunch of girls he is a pussy, if a girl hangs out with bunch of guys she is a whore. Its because other guys/gals are jealous. Need to change this mentality

5. We need to have a equal society. A person who is a mechanic is as human as you are and in all possibility he is in a better shape. Its just his job. We need to promote a life after work or pursuing hobby  I see this thing is trending in youths today, they have a life out of work and they have a hobby but its still a small percentage – Name Withheld

Rape cases are generalized in a different way. Every other day there is rape stories in TV, and even women have grown bored of it – they simply change the channel and enjoy a song in which a hero is teasing the heroine. So the answer is NO – at least I’m not being looked at as if I’m a rapist!! – Joshi Mukard

Rape cases don’t, but few feminist project all Indian men as rapist. Rapes are occurring only because of poor legal sanctions. If we need to bring a change, we must implement the exiting laws and if needed we must bring much further stringent laws. Educate kids right from early age. Sex education is required. – Deepak Karthik


*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.4

Continued from here,the fourth question asked in the survey was

Do you think Indian men can help to make India a safer country for women to live in?

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I have purposely not moderated the answers for this question.

Absolutely, the problem causer can simply refrain and make way for a safer place. How to achieve it is based on a deeper introspection and a practical approach. In my view three aspects that drive men to commit crimes against women.

a. Women being glamour material in most movies, TV shows, ads etc. | The start

b. Pornography | The continuation

c. Prostitution being illegal & scarce | The effect of harassing any and all women instead.

Firstly the offense committing men cannot be stopped from doing so by law or by force (history has only seen the uptrend) but only by providing them alternative avenues. Hence the premise of my solution is basically that all such men are sex craved ones.

To make our country a safe place for women, there needs a lot of ground breaking stuff that needs to be done and one of the important ones of it is to make a system of legalizing prostitution (for both men and women) as well as it should not be a unclean shady affair but a safe, satisfaction guaranteed one making sure those employed retain their respect! – Charan Saravana

No. Well, this may be a bit conservative thought, but I think it is true, at least from my perspective. Indian women is gaining well in terms of expressing their opinions and is being better educated and certainly add much to development of society when compared to early years. This is due to the prominent interest that women should equal man in every aspects. Naturally, its human nature that if I hold power, and if someone else agree it, then I’d have a tendency to take care of the other. So, if men equals women, definitely, there will be competition in everything, and ultimately women’s safety will be compromised. Since Indian women as history suggests are highly talented, there will be unhealthy competition for sure. – Kizhakkepurakkal Ashwin

Yes, they can. But they wont. There are two ways to make place safer for women. Standing up for girls in distress and other hero stuff. That takes a lot of courage and super hero kind of observation. But there is stopping to do the staring and enjoying the accidental brushes. Basically stopping the villain stuffs. It is very sad to say but if you take a survey, every adolescent is willing to take a chance in this. I don’t know whether the reason is peer pressure or other stupid things. I would love to write yes, we can protect girls by walking around with hockey sticks and all. But till pinching a girl’s breast or hip gives high to a male, this isn’t gonna stop. There is a serious re-engineering needed in the parenting on this front. – Bragadeesh Prasanna

I really don’t know what do to about this. Both men and women has to do something about this. Both has to be open minded and stop looking at each other as aliens. The society has a big role here. I feel all the suppression of our real feelings comes out as rape and such. There is no simple ans single solution. you just have to give time to change the society from within. I don’t think strikes and such makes these problems go away. – Vipin Lal

4) Yes men can strive to do it. If all men are disciplined and view women via soul and not  body, this whole world will be a heaven to live in. Also en equal coöperation from women via their dressing and behavior and everything. Because for this place to be a heaven requires all the people participation and coöperation. – Name withheld

Yes, Indian men can do this, certainly
Indian men should be respectfully to woman and show this in public as an example
Indian men should take party for women in case other men attacking women verbal and non-verbal
Indian men should follow the rules of politeness
Indian police must chase the attacks against women. Important police persons are men
Indian woman should perform in movies not as a victim of the strong and good-looking mean
but one remark: the male child should learn in childhood that he is not the king – Joe Di

Please rephrase the question. It is not men / women who make a country a safer place but the society which consists of both men and women coupled with fair laws – Burt Phoenix

More than what men can do to safeguard women, women themselves should be sensible enough not to put her in a spot which is unsafe.  – Joshi Mukard

When 92% of crimes happen against men. When the rate of female criminals is increasing in India. Then I do not see the need to focus on women safety alone. – Amit Deshpande

 If there is anyone who can do it, it is the Indian men, isn’t. If they learn to keep it in their pants, the women folk will be safe. Simple.  – Ganesh Raj

No, you cant expect the wolf to guard the sheep. Unless women fight
for their rights they will get none. Men are great threats to women but
greater threats to themselves. If women want freedom they have to
fight for it else, cause men are not going to give you rights because
if they do they lose control. Control over someone(men/women) is
actually an orgasmic power trip – Name Withheld

Firstly, by treating women with respect as equals.
Secondly, by intervening when they see a woman being harassed.
Thirdly, by helping to empower women to take care of themselves.
(Frankly, this (making India a safer country for women to live in) needs a lot of effort and struggle by all people ( men and women, private citizens, police, government, etc.).) – Name withheld

First, I will accept India is not that safe country for women to live in. We stand in a very poor place when it comes to women safety and empowerment according to UN Development Index. but i feel Indian men can make India safer for women, If u ask me how, its simple, learning to treat them equal. But they have to be taught. And i think it should all starts from the family itself. – Gokoulane Ravi

If you are talking about all the Indian men then it very difficult but those are who are against it can help in by reacting against the crime on the spot. But yet i don’t know, it is a curse for the women that they are been raped – Name withheld

*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

 

Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.3

Continued from here,the third question asked in the survey was

do you think it is easy for Indian men to marry the woman of their choice?

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Top eight responses are below

Majority of people in India still believe in caste system. Exogamous marriages are still taboo for majority of India. Usually the focus of the cyber space is only on the urban middle class, that is why this question arises in the first place. If we look at India as  a whole it’s clear that love marriages outside one’s caste are rare. The answer is NO – Aravind Vivekanandan 

This is more than a yes or no question as it depends on

a. Whether the man looks at marriage as a mandate in his life

b. Whether the man has the potential to pick a woman to spend his life with, forever

c. Whether the man has the patience and clarity in explaining his parents his stance or run out of his family construct and live his own way. – Charan Saravana 

No – first of all “that woman” has to agree then her parents have to agree or if not that woman has to be brave enough to resist parents wish and stick to marrying us without changing mind and listening to her parents choice and this is independent of the pressures and fights in convincing the man’s family and justifying the choice to everyone around who keep asking “but why? why?” – Name Withheld

It is a bit easy when it is compared to Indian women. But still, there are lot of obstacles faced by both men and women in this particular issue. The parents think that their right to chose the partner for their son/daughter is robbed and it is not easy for both men and women. The emotional blackmail, the suicide threats and things like that are same. But since most of the men do not react openly to this and drain their reaction in smoking or drinking, these threats becomes void. Men have a support system called friends, while the parents block that for the girl while forcing them for marriage – Bragadeesh Prasanna

It all depend on the individual. You are free to live your life the way you feel, if you let society oppress you they will. If you fight back and do things you like basically be a jerk to society. they will try harder to please you. The bigger problem in India is its difficult to find a woman you want to be. You can’t “know” a person for a while to decide to marry them. – Name Withheld

Imagine shopping in a supermarket with your parents and relatives. You may look at any product you want and may convince your parents and relatives to some extent about your liking for a certain product. But ultimately it is a group decision. You as a customer may get a few advantages but not much.
Sorry to compare women to products. I meant no disrespect. And most arranged marriages are a result of mutual discussions but with regard to choices men may have a greater say because they are usually the “initiators” – Name Withheld

no, it is not! Because the families have beliefs about the family in which the son should marry.
These beliefs are mostly different to the person which the son loves – Joe Di

No, it is hard for the most part is first finding a women. Yes a women
not a girl.
Next she must share your personal, social and human values.
Next she must feel the same way about you.
Next comes caste bigotry
After that religious bigotry
Later comes social status bigotry
… lets just say bigotry.
Easier way is, I read women are for sale for wifely services for as
low as 70,000 maybe putting an emi on it will be a good idea. – Name withheld

*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.2

Continued from here,the second question asked in the survey was

Do you think Indian men get pressure from the family to get married?

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Top five responses are below

Yes of course.More than from the family, the pressure is from society, from relatives and surprisingly ,at least in my case,from friends – who have married before me.They keep telling me how much better life is after marriage and advising me to do it- marry anyone/someone as early as possible  –Name withheld

Yes and No. It depends on their family and themselves. Some family wants their son to get married as early as possible. There are various reasons for it – to get quick money in the form of dowry, sometimes to get someone into their son’s life so that he becomes more responsible.Some men pressure their family to get them married soon – because they are already high earners in their job and they think they are ready to settle in life.Some others simply want to marry soon just for free sexual pleasure. – Joshi Mukard

Yes. simple answer is “because it’s India”. This is a country where we value family much more than probably any other country. Since Indian culture is adopting western culture so blindly, new generation or liberal families may accept a son’s interest. But I feel a lot of population in the country is still somewhat sticking with tradition, hence the pressure.   – Kizhakkepurakkal Ashwin

Yes, men are pressurized by their family to get married – it is the notion that our parents want to see us married and believe that they have completed their duties as per Shastras and can now live in peace going to some holy pilgrimage or the other! – Mahesh Lakshmanan

Of course we do. Love marriage is still a taboo in India and your parents are not going to find you a girl when you are 30. It’s best for them to start early so that they have time to get you “fixed”. Again stupid society pressure such as what will people think of me and frankly I don’t think Indian men feel that they can ever get a girl on their own.That’s why we rely on our parents to find someone for us – Name withheld

*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

 

Worries of an Indian Boy – Question No.1

The first question which I had asked in the survey was

“Do you think Indian men have the freedom to do things according to their wishes? Yes or no and why?

From the 115 responses,this is what I found out.

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Below are top five responses.

Freedom to do things… what things do I have freedom to do? Indian
men have freedom to vote for either a genocidal leader or a spineless
leader but not an honest leaders. Indian men have the freedom to follow
impertinent laws or bribe government employee but can’t use commonsense
to fix a problem. Indian men have the freedom to watch porn or watch
gyrating wet women in masala songs but not discuss sex as a social
issue. Indian men have the freedom to have sex with whores or virgins
but not with women. Indian men have the freedom to marry girls who are
either in their own caste or religion but not because he is in love.
Indian men, we have all the freedoms we can want but none that we need. – Name withheld

Yes and No. It all depends on their mother. There is a point of time an average middle class has to go to work to support his family. When the entire family burden lies on him, he loses his freedom indirectly.
A trip, a night out, a long leave everything becomes a distant dream because of the pursuit of money. And then after he gets married, his wishes are done and dusted. Though kids are a by-product of his lust, it becomes his responsibility to provide for them and to chase money to keep them happy. Life span of typical responsible Indian male is 35-40. After that he doesn’t live for his own. – Bragadeesh Prasanna

I bet you will get 90% of the answers to this question as no, from men and yes, from women. Comparing with women, yes, men do have more freedom to do whatever they can. But if men are asked, they say no, because they say a man’s future is not only for his good, but his family’s good as well. So what he should be in his future primarily depend on what his family wish him to be. Personally, boys/men in India DO have the freedom to do whatever they want. – Kizhakkepurakkal Ashwin

No. they never had and they have lesser freedom of choice as compared to women. Modernity has given women the choice to become caretakers at home or become providers. Men do not have the option. – Amit Deshpande

In terms of career we have a bit more time than the ladies to figure out what we want to do. Also I would like to think that the options are a bit more diverse for the men. But the pressures of having to prove oneself as capable of being a bread winner and being successful according to some standards set by the society is there. e.g:I can take up music as a hobby. But if I take it up as a profession the question arises as to how I will feed a family. – Name withheld

*I hope I haven’t messed up with the names and permissions granted.If yes,please let me know immediately.

Worries of an Indian Boy – Preface

It is true that I have tried to bring out the issues of women without holding back any hesitation.I have always written about the issues raw so that people understand them better.I understand the surprise of my readers and I know you did check twice to know whether you are at the correct blog.You read it right;the post is about Indian men–a few good Indian men whom the world never talks about.

Why this post?

After writing the post Worries of an Indian Girl,I tried searching whether somebody has written about worries of an Indian Boy. Surprisingly there wasn’t even one post or article which discussed about them.The articles which I found were all about how bad Indian men are,how to make Indian men better human beings,Indian men are chauvinist pigs,Indian men should learn to respect etc.I do agree with the aforementioned facts.Most of the Indian men are,but there is a fact that we conveniently forget,that there are a few good Indian men too. In the flood of the articles about women issues,I kept wondering where will the worries of my Father,Brother and other male friends go?This kept me thinking and counting the good men I know in my life.How can I forget my Father who let me grow independently?How can I forget my Brother who respects my space and lifestyle?How I can forget my best friends who stayed beside me during both my ups and downs?How can I forget my teacher who took an extra effort to make me succeed?How can I forget that strange man who helped in the train?How can I forget that auto driver who dropped me home in the middle of the night even though he was done for the day?How can I forget the security guard who comes along with me in the cab and leaves only after he sees light in my apartment?How can I forget the fellow-men who take an extra effort make this world a better place for both men and women?How can I forget that policeman who took care of me during an accident?How can I forget my male colleagues who make office a better place to work?How can I forget my mentors who helped me grow personally and professionally? I read your mind.There is another side too. There are Fathers who molest their daughters,there are Brothers who sell their Sisters,there are husbands who beat their wives black and blue,there are male friends who rape their female friends,there are teachers who exploit girls,there are strange men who grope women,there are auto drivers who take girls to places,there are security guards who take advantage,there are fellow-men who make the world a bad place for women,there are policemen who are wolves in sheep’s clothing,there are male colleagues who are chauvinists and treat you like shit and there are mentors who pull you down morally and emotionally. But, do these bad men overshadow the good men?Yes!! the same way like bad women are overshadowed by good women.Below are some obvious matters which struck my mind. 1)In the Delhi gang rape case,her male friend did his best to save the girl and showed the courage to come in front of the media to tell the story.After the verdict the Mother of one of the rapists urged public to spare his son saying he is a good boy.The media didn’t make the male friend a good man or the Mother a bad woman.In fact nobody discussed this about these people. 2)It is true that men are killing new-born girl babies as they want only boy babies.But,there are women who want only boy babies too.There are Mothers-in-law who make the life of Daughters-in-law(the couple more precisely) miserable for not bearing a male child. 3)Men cheat on women,refuse divorce,kill wife to marry another woman,beat up wife,drink and waste the hard-earned money of wife,leave the wife making her to bring up kids alone etc.Then what about the women who cheat on men,women who refuse divorce,women who kill their husband so that she can marry another man,women who burn the hard-earned money of husband,men who bring up kids alone etc? 4)In most of the sex racket cases,it is always a woman who must have persuaded the girl/s to trap. 5)In most of the stove-blast deaths and dowry deaths,together with the husband the Mother-in-law and sister-in-law are also guilty for the girl’s death. 6)There are men who try to flirt or hook up with women in social media websites.The other side is that there are equal number of women who try to do the same. 7)There are men who marry for dowry money,free sex and a slave.And there are equal number of women who marry for trips to US,posh life and money of course. 8)There are husbands who cage their wife after wedding.And there are wives who restrict husband a social life after the wedding. 9)There are women who end up being female escorts out of compulsion or upon their will and there is an alarming increase in the number of male escorts too to earn quick bucks or take up the job upon their will. The list might go on. I don’t want to close my eyes towards those few good men in the country just because there is a huge percentage of bad men on the other hand.Mainly because to make this world a better place to live,a safer place for women,and a peaceful place where gender equality exists,we need good men too. To know more about the worries of Indian men,I am running a survey and you can answer the questions here. Now a question exists in your mind. Am I still a feminist? Yes,I am because I believe in gender equality. *Comments are strictly moderated.