Mujhse Dosti Karoge?

This is a guest post by Z,my beautiful and ravishing soul sister.Her blog blips at ZRadar.This post is about women friendships and I am sure that upon reading this,every women will sink in the flood of memories.The post did bring back a lot of beautiful,painful and regretful moments which I had buried deep inside me.Read it for yourself.Love you Zeeeeee
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Being part of a semi orthodox Muslim family the values that were indoctrinated asked me to adhere to the girl am born as. But the environment demanded different. Be it cousins, neighbours, family friends – Boys outnumbered girls… So before joining preschool, I grew comfortable in the company of boys simply because girls couldn’t be found. The ones found would either not talk or corporate.

Blessed with a pleasing nature and a homely face, making friends was never difficult. At school I found girls and boys whom I could gel with. I should have been comfortable with boys but, what my family taught was slightly contradicting to it.

An article says, “What we really want is for female-people to retain a profound sense of insecurity in all their friendships at all times, so that they might never be confident and self-determined“. And as expected, I grew up to a confused person who didn’t know what to share with whom, whom to talk to and with a lot other child problems. I could talk baseless for hours but sharing a personal issue was difficult. Result? I had girl friends with whom I chose to be strong. They would confide things to me but I wouldn’t. But, with boys, parents have already taught to be careful with. I chose to stay boyish. The kind who they would share their feelings about other girls and their own family, the kind they would find easy-going but would never propose. People liked me for my flexibility, but I dint really know who I liked better.

In short, I grew up stuffing majority of my personal matters inside, totally insecure, until 12 years back when I found the most unpopular girl of our class being cornered and helpless. There was another girl who wanted to help her, so I joined along. The whole class disliked the idea, but we thought a girl wouldn’t survive for two more years of Engineering, in a class that showed a frozen face to her. We became like the trio of the movie Dil Chahta Hai. For the first time, the very first time, I met two girls who are assertive and feared none. And so for the first time, I learned to do so. For me, they were somebody to share my feelings, to pour down my thoughts without any inhibition and, most importantly, to be MYSELF. We devised crazy plots, played pranks, enjoyed movies, shared infatuations and found pleasure in everything that we did. We were the evil crew – Partners in crime. Their opponents were my mine too and we did target them well. I wouldn’t really mention everything that we did for the fear that my children may reading this in the future 😉 But we did a lot of things that girls of our age might have not even thought of. Boozing or pubs or sex is definitely not what I meant but, we did many other crazy things. The fun we had during combine studies can never be forgotten. As exams yielded good results, parents never doubted the combine study sessions 😉 My favourite part of this relationship was the immense support we each other and the confidence that evolved out of it to what we are. 

The relation began with a good intention, and was expected to last long. The one for whom the relation began, unfortunately ended it and ended in the cheapest way it could be – bringing others down in competition for male attention. Pure betrayal!! We couldn’t stand each other’s sight anymore. There were futile trials later to fix it, but we walked away from college in the hope that time would sort things out. That time never came. We could have, all of us could have, anyone of us could have attempted to bring back our times. 10 years!!We do not hate each other anymore. We are in touch – the typical Facebook “hi, hello” type. All the love we had for each other abruptly transposed into a severe dislike of the same volume and BANG!!

I don’t like to make sweeping assumptions, but have observed that women generally (including me) are not able to control emotions – words or tears – when upset. So most of them would either not share their feelings for the fear of creating a scene or creating so much tension in the air. When you do this the other side may not stay composed, but instead blame you and start recollecting those minute incidents which you had disliked once upon a time, pour it on you, creating an even worse situation. Finally all that you remember will be how much you hate each other.

But ask me. I would still recollect those two years as the fondest memories of life. We never made up. I do not regret. They are not my favourites anymore, but certain matters that I learned from our friendship are still valued. They were not meant to be a part of my future and so…

…And just because I couldn’t make up with both, doesn’t mean I never had girlfriends after that. Today, I have a lot of them with whom I have fought, made up,respected.Just that I am careful enough to make sure things wouldn’t go to extreme, only because I learnt that saying sorry is not a big deal and can heal a lot of angry minds.

When Bhavia asked me to write about women friendships, I had no clue how to start with. Now, I don’t know how to stop it. Differences? Yes, definitely yes.

–      Girls prefer to sit around and talk / walk and talk / drive and talk. More inclined to sharing feelings and personally connecting with each other. Guys try to go for a cricket when together and connect themselves.

–      Guys can make fun of each other for a whole day and still be cheerful, can take a lot things with a lighter heart. A friend passed out of college 4 yrs after we did 😉 and mentioned that he doesn’t have more certificates than any of us. It has been ten years. People still make fun of him right on his face and he enjoys it. Had there been a girl in the situation, nobody would even dared to mention about that and would have only tried to help her emotionally balance the situation.

–      Women would favour to stay with friends who need them and would expect the same back. They take privilege to say that they are needed and have time for friends. Men choose to be with people who have common interests – driving, cricket, video games, boozing and try to avoid people who would interfere in their normal routine. They would be happy to say that they have freedom in friendship.

–      Women can hold love and grudge more than men do (like we did and so many I know of). Men (in friendships. May not be with wife or girlfriends) tend to forget a lot of things that they take fights lightly and wouldn’t mind accepting faults. A boy who later turned to be the best of my friends, taught to carry a lighter heart and to keep ego aside for friends to stay beside. There were times when he would slap his friends or get slapped, but they would value the relationship more than what had happened two minutes ago.

–      Women can talk and find happiness in simple things of life. I think men will get bored soon unless there is a tablet or Xbox

–      Women try to put themselves in others shoes, give importance to a friend’s problem and treat as though it is theirs’ (only as long as they are not involved in the same problem and as long as they are not in danger). Men would ask you let it go off for the better, but if you aren’t ready then they can go to any extreme – even to kill. Read it here.

–      When women make up after a fight, they try to bring all that was the cause of the fight, talk it off. Tears, tension and finally a hug. Men just hug. Years later when I met an old boy friend with whom there was a clash, he just hugged and mentioned how thrilled he was to meet me. From then, we have been in constant touch, there was never a mention of what happened before and why, but the air is clear and I am glad he is my friend.

–      Intimacy drives women friendships and activities help men…. (Not always true)…

–      Disloyal ones are rejected by both men and women.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t generalise friendships based on gender. Every relation women-women, women-men or men-men begins with passion and may end (god forbid not) for trivial reasons. I respect friendship a lot though am touch with only a handful.

What makes a relation last is the willingness to see each other as individuals: You do not write off somebody just because they did something that you do not like. It is when they continuously hurt you, ditch you and bitch about you that finally you decide to leave them for once and for all. So the only people who can accept me the way I am, will stay close to me and if only I succeed in doing the same, can I stay close to them.

Related Read :

Seasons of Friendship

A True Friend Stabs you in the Front 

Is Hating Somebody a Bad Thing?

A True Friend Stabs You In The Front

Sometimes my Mom tells me,it is better that we meet some bad people in the beginning of our lives;so that later we are aware of those smiling devils.

After a span of four years I thought about the downfall times of my life when I saw my kiddo friend Nikhil’s Facebook status,which read like ” A True Friend Stabs You In The Front“.

As I had a lonely weekend,I watched ‘3 Idiots’ before going to sleep.Though it is impossible to have filmy friendships in life,I was thinking why I have only a couple of friends from my college.College is a place where we get the friends for lifetime.But what went wrong in my life?Actually it was not my life which went wrong,it’s just that I met the wrong people in my life.

My school friends are still with me for more than a decade.But I am glad that the handpicked friends which I got from the college are worth than having a 100 friends.

Before coming to the college,I was not aware of lying,cheating,sweet talks and back-bitching.Back in school and at home,every relationship was transparent.If we were angry with somebody,we showed the anger.If we were upset due to somebody’s action,we always went up to that person and shouted at them.A few tears and a hug used to the solve the problems between us.Confessing and apologizing were good habits in a relationship.Due to these habits,our friendships were immortal.The fights and misunderstandings only made us feel closer to each other.

When in college,like a fool I believed everybody who talked sweetly to me.For the first time I realized that there is something called “making someone do your work”. People appreciated or encouraged others not because  the latter are good at it,they just wanted to get their work done.Ignorance was considered as a sin unlike the quote ‘ignorance is a bliss‘. There was an unhealthy race among the students and people flattered each other rather than encouraging.There were situations when people talked good about a person and then curse them secretly.

Sweet talks were made to get things done.People lied looking to our eyes which I understood as truths.Egos were ample that apologizing and confessing were seen as timid actions.Taking revenges were fun as if they had training on it before joining the college.People broke up with their partners when they find a better pasture.People lied often and at times it was difficult to make out whether what they talked was true or not.Friendships were more of comfortable zones than relationships.

There was a time when I had a dilemma on whom to trust.The funniest part is that whomever I loved and trusted gave me the biggest blows of my life.But God was kind to give me a few souls who stood with me during the down fall time and gave me the strength to come out of the failures.During my low times,people I “loved” were eager to end me as a “failure” of the millennium.There were times when I was not even sure that I will come out of the trauma of being cheated.

Once one of “sweet” friends whom I had considered as a sibling hugged me to wish me.But instead she just whispered to me that how much she hated me after hearing about one of my achievements.Two hours before when I had announced the good news to friends,it was she who had shouted the most with joy.At that moment I felt,it would have been better if she had actually stabbed me while hugging.It would have not hurt me that bad after hearing her words.

The biggest lesson I learned from my college was not the subject which I chose but how to judge people.Today I augur well even before they show me their dirty face.

And you know what I do?I just stab them in the front and then throw them out of my life.

I feel if I had not had those bitter lessons in my college life,I would have not been assertive.I would have just stood weak wondering how to move on in life.

No wonder God tells us that everything has a purpose in life.Thank God I met them early in my life and my bunch of friends love me as if I am their soul-mate.

Related Read :

Seasons of Friendship

Mujhse Dosti Karoge?

Is Hating Somebody a Bad Thing?

Is HATING somebody a BAD thing?

My usual GTalk chat with my friends are fun.At times I feel that I am back in my college.We chat endlessly discussing and gossiping 😛

Last evening,it was upset when accidentally my friend talked about “her”.

I hated her as I had ample reasons for it.Though there was a time when she was my mentor and guardian in college,things just went messy later.

Last evening,my friends were surprised to know that I have still not gotten over that terrible incident.It has been  a while that I have not thought about her in my life.But a sudden mention of her name made me realize that I still hate her.

My friends thought that time must have healed the wounds in my heart as its been almost 5 years that we have seen her.I was upset and left the chat.

Later,during dinner my brother told me that if she had hurt me that badly then she doesn’t deserve my friendship.

Today again,I was thinking why didn’t the hatred towards her diminish at all.Like my friends said it was time to get over it.

May be because I never tried to change my attitude towards her.

But whatever it is;

Is HATING somebody a BAD thing?

I think we all dislike somebody sometime.Most of them forget about it as time passes.But certain deep wounds do take time to heal or at times don’t heal at all. 😡 😡

Image Courtesy : dannii101.glogster.com

Related Read :

Seasons of Friendship

A True Friend Stabs you in the Front 

Mujhse Dosti Karoge?