The Utopian Indian Society


There are certain moments in life when we wonder “Oops!! How come I missed that person?”

Amit is one among those wonderful and popular bloggers in the country.There could be only two thoughts – either you know Amit or you don’t.If you know Amit,you are going to stop reading rest of this paragraph and jump on to the post.If you don’t know Amit, by the end of this post,you will repeat the dialog which I have written above.

This is a guest post from Amit Sharma and he blogs at Mashed Musings .His posts are widely shared and discussed.He stands out in the crowded blogosphere mainly because of his witty sarcastic posts and his heart to call himself a male-feminist.

Thank you Amit for writing for me.You are simply awesome.

Sunflowers

Am I dreaming?”

Yes and No. It is difficult to explain. This is real but you are in a dream.”

Huh?!?”

Listen. I am bored. I called you here because I think you can make me laugh.”

Huh?!?”

I am giving you a power. Make a wish and snap your fingers. It will come true. Don’t do anything stupid. Just try to make me laugh. Okay?”

How many times can I make a wish?”

Till my stomach hurts.”

How will I know that you are laughing?”

A pause.

A lightening bolt will fall 20 feet away from you.”

I opened my eyes. Did I really dream of sitting on a cloud and talking to a light?

God is bored? Really? Jesus!”

The first bolt

I took a bus to my office. There was a van following us and its driver was honking uncontrollably. My ears were vibrating at an unacceptable frequency. I looked at my hand.

What’s the harm?” I murmured.

“If he honks when he should not honk, let him not hear the honk,” I said and snapped my fingers.

The driver kept honking for sometime but then stopped, visibly perplexed. I was suddenly scared.

I snapped my fingers many times that day. I applied the concept to all the drivers in Delhi in one snap. It was in the news that evening. A lot of drivers in the capital could not hear their car horns even though the rest of the world could hear it. There were discussions on television, scientists sat in panels, astrologers talked of doomsday. There was a deafening silence on the roads of Delhi. It was as if the city was put on mute. Suddenly everyone was scared of honking. That night there was a lightening bolt out of the clear sky near my house.

The Second bolt

Next night while watching television, I came across the news of a college principal fining girls in her college for wearing jeans. My eyes shone with mischief.

All those who think wearing jeans leads to molestation must be fitted with permanent jeans,” I said and snapped my fingers.

The next day when India woke up, 90% of it was wearing permanent blue jeans. People could not take it off completely in any situation. While relieving yourself, the jeans would come down till the knees but then will wrap up automatically as soon as you are done. You have to wash them while wearing them. You have to take a bath while wearing them. It was again on news. Some people were crying like babies. Some people were laughing like crazy. Jeans clad citizen thronged temples, churches, Mosques and Gurudwaras for help. There was terror on their faces.

There was a lightening bolt that night near me when I was walking back home. I looked up and smiled.

The Third bolt

News of another scam broke out next day. It shared the front page with silent honks and permanent jeans.

A tail should grow at the rate of 1 mm/10,000 Rs for all those who think public money to be their own,” I said and snapped my fingers.

In two days, a lot of influential people left the country for plastic surgeries in private jets. Some of them were not that fortunate as they had a kilometre long tail. They tried everything from axe, saw and acids, but the tails kept growing. No one had any idea why that was happening. Parliament stopped functioning. Top government officials went into hiding with their tails between their legs. Astrologers predicted that the end of the world was near.

The first set of people who understood what was happening were Police officers. Their tails grew slowly. Three lightning bolts fell near my house.

The fourth bolt

I was thinking of what to do next when I read the news of a girl being gang-raped in Haryana. How to tackle this in a way that it makes God laugh, I wondered. Then I smiled.

Make a permanent sunflower grow instead of the organ during an assault,” I said and snapped my fingers.

When the next rape attempt happened in India, which was like in the next 5 minutes, the girl came out of the ordeal laughing, wiping tears from her eyes. She went straight to the media and told them that the moment the guy opened his zipper, a huge sunflower protruded out and the guy fainted. Soon media started calling it the ‘Sunflower Curse’. Any form of sexual assault on women and children started producing Sunflower men. The situation became so comical that soon there were mischievous posters on internet showing nude, crying men with a sunflower between their legs with a tagline – ‘Someone please deflower me!’ Sexual assaults went down to zero. Sunflower men did everything from making cows chew off their flowers to running after surgeons but the flora was permanent. Suddenly everyone forgot the silent honks, the permanent jeans and the corruption tails. The sunflower men were the latest laughing-stock.

It rained a few days later with ample lightning. That night, I was again on the cloud, dreaming but not dreaming.

How the hell did you come up with that sunflower?” God asked after he had laughed enough.

From old pictures where they used to cover private parts with flowers,” I said with a smile.

What would you like to have in return?” God asked as he beamed.

Can I have this power permanently?”

I cannot do that dear boy. Ask for anything else.”

Would you revert things to how they were or will you leave it as it is?”

I have to revert. It was just for laughs.”

Ok. So here is my wish. Revert it but go and tell each of those people that if they ever try to go back to their old ways, the change will happen again and it will be permanent this time.”

Granted,” God said after pondering over it for a while.

When I woke up the next day, things were back to normal but India was a very different place. We were back to being humans. We were back to being loving and caring. Yes, it was out of fear but I was sure that after living like this for a few days, we would realize that this is the only true way to create a country worth living. I was sure that the need of God’s threat will vanish as time passes.

We had taken our first step towards creating a Utopian Indian Society.

Image : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sunflowers.jpg

Related Read : Amit’s posts which blew my mind

Can you be fair filmfare?

The horny Indian

Open letter to all the molesters and rapists

We like our virgins

The hitchhikers guide to a sane life

The Liquefied Indian

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62 thoughts on “The Utopian Indian Society

  1. Thank you for featuring me on your blog Bhavia. I am deeply honored by all the words you have written as an introduction. 🙂
    I just read the introduction again and I cannot believe that someone can write that about me. 😛

    1. Bhavia, there is a typo. Please correct.
      – “Revert it back but go and tell each of those people who if they”. Please replace ‘who’ with ‘that’. Sorry. 😦

  2. Hmm.. sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it all.. or if someday I’ll be one of these people and won’t even realize it.. I think it would do people some good to make them realize what they’ve become by some means… cuz no one thinks they’re a villain, rt? (except, perhaps Amrish Puri , RIP), 😛

    1. Jas,
      It is not easy for a person to acknowledge his mistake. There is an ego to cater. So, I think keeping your own thoughts and perceptions in place is the first step to make this world a better place. 🙂

      1. She knew what she was getting into. I made it very clear to her before we got married that it is not easy being a celebrity’s wife. Over the years she has learnt to ignore the female adulation.

  3. Yes I know Amit sir. .indeed a very good blogger.
    I do read his articles and he is famous and it is always an honour to know him.

    That are a lot of bolts.. :-)..

    The introduction given is spot on. All the best to Amit sir.

  4. Rofl…I do read Amit’s blog religiously, and yes, he is an awesome blogger 🙂 Thank you for hosting him. My first time here. Amit, the 3rd and 4th bolts were too too good. I was ROFL…I wish all your dreams come true and may god grant them and stick to his grants for ever.

    1. Thanks Latha. 🙂
      Did I ever mention on my blog that my ears turn completely red when someone praises me? Because I am worried that people will start coming to me in a few minutes and start asking me if I have an allergy. 😛
      I wish I had all those wishes! Sometimes I wonder that if I go on the Himalayas and do tapasya for a few day, will the Gods appear and grant me that power? Worth trying, don’t you think?

      1. hehehe…you should try..oh btw..now be prepared to become even redder than you already are. My son, each time he sees an email from you or sees me reading your blog comes running, what did he write? what did he write today? I don’t have to tell him it’s from you..he can pretty well recognise from the blog appearance itself .. 🙂 And my answer would always be oh you donno..it’s some adult stuff..you can’t understand..and then he says, so can I see his drawings? hmmm..now, I have to hide and read your blog, mannn…

      2. I think so too. I should seriously think about it. 🙂
        Your son is going to be a big man. Mark my words. He likes sophisticated things like my blog from such a tender age. 😛
        To help him see my blog more often, I will write some kiddo stuff soon. 🙂

  5. Gosh! I am laughing so hard…Amit, only you could come up with such super duper posts which are hard hitting and yet told in such a humorous way *Salutes*

    @Bhavia, thanks for making Amit write this one 🙂

  6. Bhavia, the introduction is spot on.. You are an awesome Blogger Amit. Please please go to Himalayas and do tapasya and get the power. We really need those bolts esp. the 4th bolt 🙂 But don’t forget to take your laptop and keep posting on the blog from the Himalayas. We can’t afford to miss that.

    1. Now you too! I am looking like a red alien here. 😛
      I was thinking that I will do a hunger Tapasya. In that case, the Gods have to appear in a week before me or I will be dead. I am sure they will not allow that. So, I will be back in a week with super powers.

  7. I am glad God granted you these wishes and we got an amazing post! You know, God chose the right person, no one else would have got the bull’s eye. You did 🙂
    Loved it, especially the sunflowers 😀

    1. Thanks for all the faith Akanksha. 🙂
      And the sunflowers. Yeah. Everyone is liking them. That would have reduced the population too, given the number of women who are raped by their husbands.

  8. ha ha 😀 can’t stop laughing at the sunflower thing.. the most amazing thing to happen. And I really really hope it happens…. Oh man 🙂 you are a gem Amit.

    1. Yeah, wasn’t that amazing? The mere thought filled me with amazing positivity. 🙂 And an apt ode to – ‘Chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai’ song.
      Thanks Jas. 🙂

  9. I loved the digs on the issues so serious. I really, really wish that these bolts could come true in the hands of someone who could actually make the difference. We are struggling in our society. It is undergoing a lot of churning. Great post, Amit. And, I can see how you turned beetroot red. Well, yours a favorite blog of mine as well. To say that you are the master of your terrain is an understatement. And, let me tell you these days, I am pretty stingy with compliment :-P.

    *A minor error: It is not revert back. It is return or revert of get back to.*

    1. Thanks Rachna for all the compliments. I really don’t know what to say. I am glad that all of you like what I write. I am humbled. 🙂
      Coming back to the post. I think societies always try to evolved towards a better future but never achieve it (because it is not a definite entity but an approximation). There are always opposing forces. In our times, India is going through a major upheaval. At one side, there is a group who wants to remain grounded to the old ways while on the other hand there are those who want to fly, taste freedom. Unfortunately, this tussle will have sacrifices, more from the group trying to fly. I think this will go on for a while but a lot will depend on our level of progress in the next 100 years. Ok, I am blabbering now.
      Thanks for pointing the error. I think Bhavia has corrected it.

  10. A.W.E.S.O.M.E
    Wish this becomes a reality, may all your dreams come true Amit.

    someone please deflower me 😆 😆 😆

    The intro could not have been truer Bhavia. Even if I am not online for days together, his blog is among the ones I jump into the moment I am able to open wordpress. All posts are total paisa vasool entertainment 😀

  11. A note from an atheist.
    Only if god exists he/she should start to punish those who are cruel to others. But..If god is the protector of all good and punishes all bad then where’s him/her. We have seen so much cruelty in the name of god across centuries everywhere on this earth, what was/is god doing?. Good story though. we can only hope something can be done from us humans, by creating awareness, families giving equal treatment to both girls and boys, good education. Just banking that god will save somehow,….I feel is just assumption!

    1. Bhavana,
      I am Agnostic which, I think, makes me a budding atheist.
      I believe that the role of God (or nature) was only till our creation. Our fate is our own and he does not interfere in it. Having said that, I believe that there is definitely a power that fuels the universe.
      Yes, we have to help ourselves. There is no bigger truth than that. 🙂

  12. An inspired idea. Thanks for the laughs, Amit. Your “Jesus!” in amazement somehow triggered off a fond memory of a taxi driver in Bangkok who had a near accident, clutched his heart and went, “O my Booda.”

    1. Thanks kayemofnmyk.
      And this ‘O my Booda’ now triggered my own memory of a Bengali woman crying ‘O Maaa’ when she sat on a horse while coming back from Vaishno Devi. She shouted out of fear the whole way and was just ahead of me.

  13. First things first. I agree with her intro for you 🙂 I’ve been reading your blog long enough….

    Ok now that we have established that and gotten it out of the way, thank you for this ROFL post in classic Amit style.

    However I so wish that sunflower part was true 😦 (if not all of them, that is)

    1. Thanks Ashwathy. 🙂
      The way everyone is wishing for the sunflower part to be true is an indication of how deeply everyone is affected by such incidents.

  14. ROFL….I ask yet again..How??? How do you come up with things like this?

    How I wish you had all the powers. The idea of the organ turning to sunflower was just mindblowing!!!

    @Bhavia
    Thank you for making Amit write this!

    1. Thanks metherebel. 🙂
      I wish that too. Very strongly. When I wrote this post, I was not aware that I will wake up the next morning to that nightmarish news of a gangrape in Delhi.

  15. Super is the word… if these bolts of lightning indeed, the world would be a much nicer place to live in.
    Amit, you are a fabulous writer. Keep up the good job! 😀 Thanks Bhavia for arranging this amazing guest post. 😀

  16. Wow Amit… What a post…A laughing riot with a dreamy result… I seriously wish that you are as actually granted with this wish.. May be that would be the solution to all major problems of this country..

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